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The first family intake I ever did on my own, the client cried before she finished her name. I had a checklist of dates and a form to complete, and none of it was going to happen the way I planned. I called a family lawyer I trust to talk through how she handles the interviews most of us were never taught to run.
What follows is our conversation, lightly edited. She has practised family law for more than a decade, mostly at a small firm, and she trains junior lawyers on client intake. We talked about how to collect the facts a file needs while treating the person in front of you as a person, not a witness.
Why the First Interview Sets the Tone
You say the first meeting matters more than any other. Why?
Because it decides whether the client tells you the truth. Not just the tidy version, the whole thing. If someone leaves the first meeting feeling rushed or judged, they will hold things back, and then those things surface later at the worst possible moment. In a courtroom. In an affidavit that has already been sworn. The first interview is where you earn the disclosure you need.
How do you set that up before the client even sits down?
Small things. I tell reception not to leave a distressed person alone in a bright waiting room. I book more time than the file seems to need, because rushing is the enemy. And I open by telling the client what will happen: how long we have, that they can pause, that nothing they say leaves the room. People calm down when they know the shape of the hour.
Tip. Block ninety minutes for a first family interview even if you think you need sixty. The extra time is not wasted. It is the difference between a client who trusts you and one who feels processed.
Questions That Gather Facts Without Reopening Wounds
You still have to get the facts. How do you ask about the hard parts?
I start wide and let them narrow it. Instead of "tell me about the assault," I might ask "walk me through a normal week in the house before you left." The facts come out inside the story, and the client controls the pace. I only sharpen the questions once I understand the shape of what happened.
Is there a phrasing you avoid?
Anything that sounds like cross-examination. "Why didn't you leave sooner" lands like an accusation even when you mean it kindly. I replace "why" with "what." What made it hard to leave. What were you worried would happen. Same information, none of the shame.
She gave me a short list she keeps in her head. I have used it on every intake since.
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| Why didn't you report it? | What were you weighing when you decided not to report? |
| Tell me about the abuse. | Walk me through what a hard day looked like. |
| Are you sure that happened? | Help me understand the order things happened in. |
| You need to calm down. | We can stop here. There is no rush. |
What about the details you legally need, like dates and money?
Those can wait for a second pass, or for a form the client fills in at home. I do not need the exact date of every incident in the first hour. I need enough to understand the risk and the relief we are seeking. A tidy chronology can be built later, on paper, when the client is not sitting there reliving it.
Reading the Signs to Slow Down
How do you know when to back off?
The body tells you before the words do. Breathing changes. Someone goes flat and answers in one word, or they speed up and start talking in circles. Both are signs the person has become overwhelmed and is no longer present in the conversation. When I see it, I stop asking questions. I name it gently. "It looks like that one was hard. Do you want a minute, or some water?" Then I actually wait.
Doesn't that slow the file down?
A ten-minute pause is cheaper than a client who dissociates, shuts down, and never comes back to that topic. If I push through, I get worse information and a person who trusts me less. Slowing down is not soft. It is efficient.
Slowing down is not soft. It is efficient. On reading the signs
Documenting Sensitive Disclosures
Let's talk about the file. How do you write this down without turning it into a liability?
Facts, not editorializing. I record what the client told me, in their words where it matters, and I date it. I do not write my opinion of whether it is true, because that is not my job and it can be produced. If a disclosure touches on a child's safety, I flag my reporting obligations to myself right away and deal with them properly.
How do you handle notes the client might see, or that might end up in disclosure?
I assume everything could be read by someone else one day, so I keep my notes clean and professional. I separate raw intake notes from the strategy memo. And I am careful about where sensitive documents live, because a family file often holds medical records, protection orders, and things a client would be mortified to have leaked. Good intake habits and good disclosure practice are the same discipline.
Note. Keeping sensitive material organized and access-controlled is partly a systems problem. Tools like A1 CMS keep matter documents in one place with a clear record of who touched what, which matters more than usual when a file holds trauma disclosures.
Any documentation habit you wish more juniors had?
Write it up the same day. Memory decays fast, and a family interview carries a lot of emotional freight that blurs the details. Same-day notes protect the client and protect you.
Protecting Your Own Well Being
You hear these stories all day. What does that do to you?
It accumulates. Vicarious trauma is real, and family lawyers absorb a steady stream of the worst days of other people's lives. If you ignore it, you get cynical, or numb, or you start dreading the work. I treat my own capacity as part of doing the job well, not as a luxury.
What actually helps, practically?
Boundaries around the hardest files. I do not book two heavy intakes back to back. I debrief with a colleague when something sticks with me, without breaching confidence. I use the assistance programs the law society offers, and I tell juniors to use them too, early, before burnout, not after. And I protect my calendar so I am not answering a distraught client at eleven at night out of guilt.
Warn. If a file is keeping you up at night or you feel yourself going numb, that is a signal, not a weakness. Most Canadian law societies fund confidential counselling for members. Reach out before it compounds.
Last question. What would you tell someone doing their first family intake tomorrow?
Lead with the person. The facts will come if the person trusts you, and they will not if you chase the facts first. That is the whole thing, really.
I have carried that last line into every intake since. If you are early in family practice, or moving into it from another area, the skill is learnable, and it is worth learning deliberately. Read more from our family and civil practice writing, take a look at how this connects to preparing a client to give evidence, and if you want the rest of my pieces on client work you can find them on my author page. The client across the desk is not a source of facts. They are the reason the facts matter.
